The Season of Balance

The other day my daughter asked me a question I did not think needed an answer.

“Why are you tired, mom?”

This caught me off guard. I actually laughed. I couldn't believe it; a child actually NEEDS a reason to be tired. In my reality I no longer need a reason. Tired is my default setting.

It was hard to hold back the truthful answer from her:

“Because I'm awake...and so are you.”

It's been a grand summer but I am happy to it see it winding down. As a lover of seasons it only makes sense that after months of hot, lazy days frolicking in mountain parks with my kids I find myself craving structure. I see the world around me shedding off the unessiential, grounding itself for winter and I find I want to do the same.

This blog has been quiet over the summer and that was deliberate. I'm a writer and I'm a mother but I am not a writing mother. For me to write I need hours of uninterrupted silence to really bring my stories to life. With all three of my lovely kids home all day, well...there's your punchline.

For the past eight years I've been at a war with myself, trying to find the balance between mother and writer. I am a mother. That is who I am now but I am also very much a writer. It's as much a part of me as being a woman or having brown eyes. Unfortunately these two lifestyles could not be anymore incompatible. I never found the right balance (does anyone?!) and became easily anxious and frustrated. It's been an exhausting eight years.

My deliberate decision to avoid writing this summer has been a blessing. I wish I had seen the wisdom in embracing my lifestyle earlier in my journey rather than trying to fight against it. A writer must write, to be sure, but a writer must also read. A writer must live a life, have experiences and what better way to experience life than through the eyes of a child? What better way to prepare for the lonely, mind numbing hours of a writing than motherhood? This summer I embraced the season of life that I am in and I was rewarded twofold.

I read remarkable books on writing (more on that in posts to come). I took up sketching. I watched my kids perform Shakespeare. I laughed with family and witness the sun disappear. I went to bed every night without that hot, heavy guilt weighing over me because I didn't write. I told myself to do what I could and refused to feel bad about all the things I couldn't. As a result my summer was delightful. I was still tired, much to my children's bemusement, but it wasn't because I was committing the crime of attempting too much.

Now school has started, I'm rested and ready for this new season, one that comes with a bit more freedom (thank you, morning kindergarten!). My mornings are dedicated to writing and so far it has been luxurious. After such an inspiring summer, I'm overflowing with stories.

Lest I get ahead of myself however, I'll take the advice of my wise mother who wrote me before she died, “Take it one day at a time.”

Until next time, happy reading!

#writer #mother #children #seasons #balance

---